English Teachers Beware! The Japanese Kancho Game

Today we’re going to talk about the kancho game. As much as I wish I could say that Naruto, or some other cool anime, was my first exposure this game (Donnie’s bottom lip quivers) it wasn’t. My first kancho exposure was 100% live in an eikaiwa (English conversation school) hallway. Watch this video and listen as I recount my story. I hope that you won’t get caught off guard like I did…

Video Transcript

The name of today’s tale is Finger Enemas (Japanese Finger Enemas)
You know I don’t particularly like it when children stick their fingers in my arse.

It’s a weird way to kick off a video, but somebody out there needs to hear it, otherwise, you’ll end up like me. Nobody told me! Nobody told Donald that there was a finger enema game! Nobody told me. Donald had to find out FOR HIMSELF!!

WHAT IS THE KANCHO GAME

The word kancho (浣腸｜かんちょう) in Japanese means to give an enema. If you’re not familiar with what an enema is, I’ve never actually had one but, it’s like a plastic tube or like a bulb and tube that a doctor sticks into your anus to clean out your bowels, usually before a procedure or something. Or, if somebody is really constipated, sometimes they use an enema.

The kancho game is actually a finger enema game. So you’re not using plastic tubes in this game, you’re using your fingers. You run up behind somebody who’s not expecting it, and you…take your index fingers and jam them in the butt.

STEP 1: CONSTRUCTING THE WEAPON
Place the palms of your fingers together while interlocking your middle, ring, and pinky fingers. Cross your thumbs for support. You now harness the power of a mighty enema weapon.

STEP 2: FIND AN UNSUSPECTING VICTIM

STEP 3: SNEAK UP BEHIND YOUR VICTIM

STEP 4: WITH A MENACING GLARE, PREPARE YOUR WEAPON

STEP 5: THRUST VICIOUSLY & VIOLENTLY
Viciously and violently attack the crack and hole of the buttocks.

Congratulations, you sir are the winner.

GRIM REALITY…

There are no winners in the finger enemas game…you permanently damage your victim’s psyche and your fingers end up smelling dreadfully of a$%.

Enjoy the game?

MY VERY FIRST KANCHO

I was teaching at Aeon and I was trying to be a good teacher, trying to extend the dialogue beyond the classroom. So I’m outside standing and talking to my students.

I don’t even see this thing coming. I don’t know why…this kid was bigger than normal! He was like twice the size of all the normal kids in his class, and heavy-handed mind you. 

That little boy had such impeccable aim that I felt this kancho in my stomach here (gestures to stomach). And the kancho enters from the back.

When I tell you I wanted to curl up into the fetal position and cry…

After he did it, it was part shock, part pain…I was a little bewildered, I was a little bit violated, I was confused…

You know, I kind of felt, and I’m not to be funny, like a rape victim. I didn’t know how…I didn’t know what to do. But I had to yell at him and the words just weren’t really coming:

ULRLUAAFEVLUUHBLERH!!…AHH!

Translation: Why would you do that? I don’t understand why you just put your fingers in my anus. I didn’t do anything to you, little boy. That’s messed up, don’t do that again, or I’m gonna punch you in the face.

IMAGINE THIS

Imagine kancho-ing a teacher of yours.

I remember in 7th grade I had this math teacher named Mr. King. He was just super cool. Everybody loved him. He could run fast, he was athletic, he was smart, he could do all this stuff.

If I ran up to Mr. King as a 7th grader and I was like “Hey man!” and I did like this (kancho gesture)…Do you know what would happen?!?


Mr. King: (Grabs Donald’s index fingers) ERRRRrrrr….

Donald: MR. KING NO,”PLEASE!!! MR. KING! MR. KING! NO! NO! NO!”

-SNAP- (Mr. King breaks Donald’s fingers)

Donald: AHHHHhhhHAAaaaHAAaaa!! 
(sobbing) Oh God, he was my favorite teacher (sobbing, more sobbing)

ANOTHER CURIOUS JAPANESE FINGER ENEMA CASE

Okay, there were these four boys. So two boys grab this one, little, weaker kid (unfortunately) and they put him on the floor. So one kid pinned down one arm and the other kid pinned down another. And while this weak boy was helplessly pinned on the floor.

The fourth person in this whole thing runs up behind him and he’s just like…

“UNNNNhhh!”

“UNNNNNHHHHhh!”

“UUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNHHHHHhhhhh!”

Donald: “STOP! Let him up! Let him up! Let the boy up! What’re you doing?!?!”
And they look at me like “Wha? What?” Like they don’t know that forcibly sodomizing a weaker boy is bad.

WHERE DID THE KANCHO GAME COME FROM?

You know where I think this game from? And I don’t know, I’m probably wrong. But I assume some prison inmate got loose or got released, and he just had an unusually strong anal fetish.
He probably ran up on a group of kids…



Kids: “We’re bored we don’t know what to do.”
Escaped Inmate: “I know a game you can play…”(criminal holds up his index fingers in kancho position while talking in a creepy voice)

Not to make light of stuff like that, but I have no other grounds to base this game on. I NEVER played that game at home!

[My little brother’s name is Derrick]
Donald: “Hey bro!” (Donald kanchos his younger brother)
Derrick: “Hey Donald” (Derrick kanchos Donald back)

We don’t play that game in my house!

And Even when it happens at the school (here in Japan anyway…do it in the U.S. and you’re probably going to juvie for six months), teachers pass it off as “Oh, kids will be kids.”

Umm…NO!

Thanks for watching guys. Bye 😀