What I Did Wrong During the Japanese Zombie Apocalypse

Zombie Donnie

It was clear, cool evening in Tsukba and I was riding my bike home when, off in the distance, I saw a face that I recognized. It was my good buddy Gareth from the old AEON teaching days (the dude in the video games music post with). My smile flattened when I saw his face. He looked mortified, his clothes were ripped…it looked like he’d just been in the fight of his life. He rode over to me as fast as he could…terrified:

Gareth: We gotta go…right now!
Donald: Wait. What? What’s going on?
Gareth: Let’s go!
Donald: Just tell me what’s happening?
Gareth: There’s no time for that. Just come with me, bro.
Donald: Let me just go by my apartment first.
Gareth: Okay, but at your own risk. I have my cell phone on me. Call me as soon as you can.
Donald: Sure, bro. Are you okay?
Gareth: No…I’m not.

Gareth’s face had gone stone serious. He somewhat frantically looked behind him, looked forward, and dashed away on his bike…standing on the pedals to pick up as much speed as possible. His bike disappeared in the distance.

“What the hell was that ‘at your own risk’ talk? I don’t get it. Guess Gareth’s gotta lighten up on the booze.”

I rode down the Tsukuba backstreets towards my apartment, the uneasy encounter with Gareth still fresh on my mind. As I rode on, I ran into my friend Marisa, who, oddly enough, also worked with me at AEON. What a coincidence! Was it a reunion day or something? I thought maybe Gareth was out of his gourd or something, because Marisa looked just fine:

Donald: Hey Marisa, what’s up?
Marisa: Not much. Just in town for the weekend.
Donald: Did you see Gareth? He was acting really weird…
Marisa: No…no I didn’t.
Donald: Hey, where’s Koichi? I haven’t seen him in a while.
Marisa: Koichi? Oh, he’s right here…

From behind her back, Marisa pulled out the severed head of her boyfriend Koichi and began laughing maniacally. A slight turn of her head revealed that she had a deep bite wound on her neck.

Donald: What the hell, man!?! What did you do to Koichi!! Oh my God! He was such a nice guy…he didn’t deserve to go that way!
Marisa: I’ve been so hungry lately, so I ate him. I’m saving the brain for later. If it makes you feel any better he was delectable.
Donald: Hungry?!? Go to f*****g JUSCO or TORISEN! There are lots of supermarkets in this town. What the hell is wrong with you!! Why did you eat Koichi!?!
Marisa: Hey Donald, you been working out? All of a sudden I feel famished…

With a cannibalistic glint in her eye, Marisa lunged at me. “SH*T!” I shouted as I shoved her to the asphalt. I struggled to get my bearing. I hopped on my bike and pedaled away. I rushed to my apartment and grabbed my phone. I called Gareth to find out just what the devil was going on. As the phone rang, I could hear these terrible moaning and wailing sounds. It sounded like an army of people in horrific pain. What I saw just outside of my window made me hang up the phone. ZOMBIES!! As far as the eye could see! I quickly changed, grabbed my earthquake pack, wallet, and the emergency machine gun from under my bed (please don’t ask). I slipped on my best pair of running shoes and headed for my bike.

There were three zombies standing in the path between me and my bike. As soon as they spotted me, they freakin’ rushed me! I raised the barrel of the machine gun and did what I had to, God rest their zombie souls. I hopped on my bike and rode in the opposite direction of the zombie onslaught. I felt safe, but only mildly. If the town had been overrun there would be only so far a bike, machine gun, and earthquake pack would take me. I rode on, and felt my phone buzz, it was a text message from Gareth telling me to come to IIAS (the largest shopping mall in Kanto) immediately.

Apparently some of non-zombified residents had found shelter there. I rushed towards the mall, but the zombification had spread so much faster than I had anticipated.

I tried every possible route that I knew of to get to the mall, but all paths were gridlocked with zombies. In my efforts to get to the mall, I failed to realize that the route heading away from the mall began to fill with zombies…in all directions. I had to scrap the mall plan and tried to find an alternate solution. I rode away from the mall, but was it no use. There were zombies everywhere, and I had no place to go. I took out a mess of zombies with my trusty old machine gun, but there ended up being more zombies than I had bullets. How did I escape?

Honestly I don’t remember so much after that, but I made it out (Donald stretches his neck while he’s typing, revealing a deep bite wound on the right side of his neck).

To all of my delicious, delicious readers….

Thanks for reading…

Donald Ash

P.S.-If there’s a zombie apocalypse and your friend who’s not a zombie tells you to come with him immediately, DO NOT GO BACK TO YOUR APARTMENT! Go with your friend!

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  • Petaris


  • Ann

    So you are prepared next time below is the US CDC’s guide to handling zombie attacks (my tax dollars hard at work).


    The information is also good for “non-zombie” attacks. Be prepared I heard Godzilla is home sick for Japan.

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